To say that I’ve been a bit down recently is an understatement. I am struggling to find that sense of peace that allows us to deal with frustrating situations. It’s not that I don’t know all the facts or that I don’t have a spiritual perspective to keep myself afloat, it’s that all of that stuff jumbled in my head is hard to sort out and keep straight.
So I’ve decided to give myself a little pep talk. Maybe you need to hear it too.
Yesterday I found myself reflecting on one of my favorite Shakespearean sonnets, 29. It’s the only one I’ve ever memorized and so the one I return to often.
I relate to every word of this sonnet. I feel the darkness, the abandonment, the pain. Living each day away from my passion, my gift of teaching, is a slow inner death of sorts. I’m tired and weary of the mental energy that it takes to keep my dream and God’s call alive in the face of others. The flip of the sonnet , the “thee” of line 10, is not lost on me either. It’s my faith, my conviction that this is my calling, my loving and supportive husband, my crazy little monkeys who make me laugh, my blessings. I know that; I love that; I rejoice in that. But keeping the joy of “thee” above the frustrations of my current fate is wearing my down. And like the author, I despise myself that I can’t stay focused on the blessings that I already have or on my faith that God’s gift and call to teaching is not in vain.
I am comforted and encouraged by these words:
The Dalai Lama’s words are so true. Inner peace is yours and it’s mine. We control it. We dictate what is allowed to influence it, alter it, support it, and encourage it. I am convicted in my failure to cling to my faith, my calling, and my family as God works in ways which I do not understand and probably won’t for some time. I do despise myself for this failure. But it is my failure to correct. It is my shortcoming to fill with God’s help. There is hope. There is joy. There is love. And there will be peace again!